Already Accepted

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Maya Angelou once quipped,” I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

If there’s one thing we all want to feel in this world- it’s acceptance and love. I think growing up without a father figure in the home- I’d often try to find the missing love from my dad in other people or things. I still have a habit of doing this, but I am slowly realizing that Jesus is the only one who can take the broken pieces and mend them back together into something beautiful. He has a way of filling emptiness with wholeness. This doesn’t mean I’m going to stop missing or loving my dad any less, it simply means that on nights like tonight when all I want is a hug from my dad- I have to run to my Heavenly Father for the intimacy I crave.

I really do miss my dad sometimes. Missing him comes in waves. I find myself wandering what it would be like to have a whole family unit. However, I’m glad he’s in an infinitely better place than I am. I’m glad to have known that he loved me. I’m thankful for the time we had together. I’m thankful that this world isn’t my home, but only a small window into the eternity that awaits.

I’m 22 years old now. Soon I will be 23. I will blink and then one day I’ll be 46 and my life will be halfway over. Will I be constantly searching for the approval of other people, or will I set my hope and assurance in the anchor of salvation? Jesus takes us as he finds us, but he never leaves us as we were. The process of sanctification is a lengthy one, but I’m so glad that it’s filled with both grace and forgiveness.

CS Lewis once wrote,” To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” I thank God for that truth. I thank God that I’m fully forgiven, fully loved, and an heir to a kingdom that will never be shaken.

What Grief Does

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It’s occurred to me over time that grief is one of the most universal experiences one can endure, yet it is also the most misunderstood. They say grief is the price to pay for having loved someone, but I suppose some days the price seems unbearable. It is on the unbearable days where one has a fundamental choice to make: do I let the grief consume me or do I try my best to move on and lean into Christ and the promises He makes? We often like to refer to grief concerning someone dying, but I don’t think death is the only thing one can grieve over. The loss of something, whether it be a friendship, relationship, or marriage, is all something one can and should grieve over. Now, of course, the intensity of this grief may vary depending on the relationship dynamic and other factors, but I find it ludicrous to believe that we should simply move on and get over it. Now, you do have to move on to an extent- but let’s be clear here, there’s only one of that person for which you are grieving over. There’s only one laugh. There’s only one smile. There’s only one distinct way someone looks at you.

This whole notion that real men can’t cry or show emotion is not only wrong- it’s toxic. It’s when somebody tries to keep it buried inside and deep within them that more significant issues come out. Now, there’s only so much people share with you on a daily basis. There’s only so much someone is willing to say- especially to a stranger. But I think the mere presence someone brings- the mere ability to simply be there- is often a bigger gift than we realize.

This whole week has been emotionally draining on me. To sit here and try and act like everything is perfectly fine would be a blatant lie and disservice. However, nothing is ever going to be completely fine. This world is a broken place. I don’t need to spend a lot of time elaborating on that. It’s when we put ourselves in bubbles to try and lessen the brokenness that we often become more broken. The only answer to anyone’s brokenness is Jesus.

The Christian who comes across as perfect is deeply mistaken as to what He or She believes in. Or, at the very least, he or she is concealing a hurt that hasn’t been fully handed over to the author and maker of our souls.

We can try all we want to be flawless. We can try all we want to be perfect. But in the end, we all come across way short.

It’s funny- I think grief is one of those words that gets used, similar to “love,” that people have absolutely no idea the true meaning of.

Grief is a part of love. It is the price we pay for love. I continually remind myself of this. I also remind myself that as a follower of Christ, I do not grieve, nor should I grieve, as the world does. Grief is tough. It lasts for quite some time. I believe, for a lifetime.

But, I cling to the promises of His word and His plan. Romans 21:4 says this, “For I shall wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

No more hospitals.

No more chronic illness or disease.

No more sons without fathers or fathers without sons.

Families, reunited.

Lovers, once again in harmony to sing to Love himself.

What a glorious promise.

What a wonderful day.

Until then, we are called to, “Lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking unto Jesus, the [aauthor and [b]finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” – Hebrews 12:1-2.

I don’t know exactly why God allows pain or suffering in this world.

I do know this, however, that that pain and suffering produces endurance and perseverance.

I don’t know everything, but I do know that He is good, and His mercy and love endure forever.

Today is today.

Tomorrow is tomorrow.

Only today is promised.

So, we must run our race.

I Heard Your Voice Today

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“Grief is a Mouse-

And chooses Wainscot in the Breast

For His shy House

And baffles quest-

Grief is a Thief- quick startled-

Pricks His Ear- report to hear

Of that Vast Dark

That swept His Being – back-

Grief is a juggler – boldest at the Play

Lest if He flinch- the eye that way

Pounce on His Bruises – One – say – or Three

Grief is a Gourmand – spare His luxury-

But Grief is Tongueless- before He’ll tell- Burn Him in the Public square –

His ashes- will

Possibly- if they refuse- How then know –

Since a Rack couldn’t coax a syllable- now

Let us play Yesterday-

I, the Girl at School-

You, the Eternity- the untold Tale-

Easing my famine

At my Lexicon –

Logarithm- had I- for Drink

‘Twas a dry Wine-

Somewhat different- must be-

Dreams ting the Sleep –

Cunning Reds of Morning

Make the Blind – leap-

Still at the Egg Life-

Chafing the Shell

When you troubled the Ellipse

And the Bird fell-

Manacles be dim- they say-

To the new Free-

Liberty- commoner-

Never could-to me-

“‘Twas my last gratitude

When I slept- at night-

“Twas the first Miracle

Let in- with Light-

Can the lark resume the Shell- Easier- for the Sky-

Wouldn’t Bonds hurt more

Than Yesterday?

Wouldn’t Dungeons sorer hate

On the Man- free- just long enough to taste- Then- dolmens new- God of the Manacor- As of the Free

Take Not my Liberty

Away from Me-

Alter! When the Hills do-

Falter! When the Sun

Question if His Glory Be the Perfect One-

Surfeit! When the Daffodil Both of the Dew-

Even as Herself- Sir- I will- of You.

– Emily Dickinson.

////

If you were coming in the Fall, I’d brush the summer by with half a smile, and half a spurn,

As Housewives do, a Fly.

If I could see you in a year,

I’d wind the months in balls- And put them each in separate Drawers,

For fear the numbers fuse-

If only Centuries, delayed, I’d count them on my Hand,

Subtracting, till my fingers

dropped

Into Van Dieman’s Land.

If certain, when this life was out-

That you’rs and mine should be–

I’d toss it yonder, like a Rind, and take Eternity-

But, now, uncertain of the length

Of this, that is between,

It goads me, like the Goblin bee-

That will not state-

its sting.” Dickinson, “(If you were coming in the fall)”

////

I heard your voice today. I waited seven years. It was like I remembered, but there were some notable highlights

“Call me back.” “I miss you. “I love you.” ” I miss you and my boys.

Damn you.

Every fibre of my being aches for me to be able to call you back.

I can’t even listen to all of this without sobbing.

I’m not going to listen to all of it at once.

I’ll take the tape

Rewind it

Digest it

And repeat.

I will soak in your love

Until it becomes a mantra

Oh, how you loved me. How you loved all of us. The longing in your voice rips me to shreds.

It tells me how you felt. This, I always knew. I hate you for leaving me these voicemails. I love you for leaving me these voicemails. I long for you in a place where there’s no space or time.

My bones shatter when I hear your voice

My bones are rebuilt when I hear your voice

The answering machine stops. I didn’t call you back. Why? I was a kid. I guess I always figured there’d be another tomorrow.

I loved you. I still love you. I will always love you.

Thank you for fighting as long as you did.

Thank you for not giving up until I could say goodbye.

I miss the hell out of you.

I miss the way your hand fit in mine

I miss the way you laughed

How your hair felt.

I miss all the little things that I know I can’t get back in this lifetime.

I’ll see you again

This I’m sure

I just wish it was today

But today is today

And tomorrow is tomorrow

And what’s past is past

But to hell with it all

I want you to be here

But you can’t be

But you are

So I sit in my apartment

Look out the window

See the sunrise and sunset

And wonder about your view

I bet it’s pretty great.

////

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.”

(View from my window).

What Love Does

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1 Corinthians 13;

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging symbol.

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but do not love, I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is Patient, Love is Kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

For when I was a child, I thought like a child, reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put my childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in the mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

////

I’ve been thinking and meditating on this verse recently. It hits home for me. Too often we like to think of love as a series of transactions. “Well, if I get you this, than you can get me this. Then will we be even.”

The thing is, love doesn’t work like that. As a follower of Jesus, I can’t pick and choose who I want to love more or less. Yes, obviously, some people are harder to love than others. However, it is those people who are the hardest to love that are the most in need of the love Jesus provides.

I will be listening to the voicemails my dad left me seven years ago soon. I hate he’s not here. I hate it with a hate that could consume me if I let it. But I don’t let it, because I know and will be able to hear in his voice how much he loves and continues to. He’s not here anymore. There’s nothing I can do to change that fact. I spent a lot of time and nights crying out to God, a mixture of sadness, anger, and pain. However, it is when I started to let His love step-in for my earthly father’s absence that I started to truly be free.

Let’s be honest here, my generation, and yes I’m talking about myself here as well, has twisted the meaning of love and boiled it down to a series of mere transactions. Hookups? Sure. It’s only one night. I’ll move on and she will too. But then you leave and you’re still left wondering why you did that. It doesn’t do anything to fill the deep desire we all have to be fully known and fully loved.

At Carolina, there’s such a twisted notion of love and romance. Ladies, romance and love isn’t some dude in a fraternity house handing you a beer and telling you that he likes you. We use the word love like it’s some sort of magical fairy dust that we can sprinkle on top of everything that will make everything better. Love does make things better. Love transforms lives and people for the better. However, we must go to the source of love: God. I’m not talking about some man in the sky with wings who grants wishes on a whim: I’m talking about Jesus. He lived the life you and I couldn’t so that we could live ours in complete and total freedom.

I walk through a lot of brokenness on the way to class each day. I hear the music at night, smell the weed, and look at the girls. They are all beautiful. I just wonder how many nights they go through that without anyone ever telling them their true worth or value. How many are objectified, treated as mere objects to simply gain pleasure out of, and then tossed to the side.

That isn’t love. That’s lust. We grow up watching Cinderella and Snow White and then we get to high school and college and realize that things like that don’t really exist anymore. Well, the thing is, they could, but I struggle to see how any real and lasting relationship can be forged over alcohol, weed, and sex. Those things are all used for placebos to satisfy a desire that only Jesus can. You can hold out on Him and decry Christianity as nonsense and a list of mere rules you have to follow, or, as C.S. Lewis wrote,

“It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, then I first begin to have a real personality of my own…There are no real personalities anywhere else. Until you have given yourself to Him you will not have a real self…But there must be a real giving up of the self. You must throw it away ‘blindly’ so to speak. Christ will indeed give you a real personality…

“The very first step is to try to forget about the self altogether. Your real, new self (which is Christ’s and also yours, and yours just because it is His)…It will come when you are looking for Him. Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes, every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fibre of your being and you will find eternal life.

Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in that long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else…”

What are you holding back?

What I Know (The Hurt and The Healer).

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As we grow up, we start to lose a sense of wonder. For me, at least, I think losing my dad at fifteen was one of those things that shattered my already fading notion that the world is some perfect place made up of fairy tales, and unicorns. The thing about growing up is that you never really feel any older. You remember going to things when you were six or seven and now you’re 22 and wonder where the time went. I grew up going to church. In fact, some of my fondest memories as a kid, besides going to Disney World religiously and the love I felt from my grandpa- were those Sunday services. Now, my mom would have to drag me to church on Sunday since I was and probably never will be a morning person, but I love her for it now more than ever. I think it’s interesting how Jesus describes the process of rebirth in the Bible. It’s interesting how Nicodemus comes to Jesus at night so he doesn’t have to feel ashamed. Christianity doesn’t tell one that one has to be perfect or without blemish. It simply requires one to make a recognition out of humility and love that we were never as perfect or as holy as we thought we were, to “Confess with your mouth that Jesus is LORD and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.” (Romans 10:9-10).

C.S. Lewis once wrote- “No man knows how bad he is until he has tried really hard to be good.https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/99392-no-man-knows-how-bad-he-is-till-he-has

This whole notion that’s really popular today in a lot of circles that “we’re all very good people” so there is no hell and God must love us is simply a feel-good theology designed for maximum clicks and leverage.

It is also quite a shame that some think their salvation can be bought or paid for, as Jesus has already paid that price and made this very clear: ” I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes through the father except through me.” (John 14:6).https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+14%3A6&version=NIV

Trying to buy your salvation via money or other goods is like trying to buy someone’s affection or true love. You can’t.

The good news is Jesus laid down His life so we could live ours in freedom and humility.

That’s perhaps why a prideful Christian is not only an oxymoron- it’s something that cannot exist in the Kingdom of God. Pride destroys relationships and builds a false sense of security. Combine this with money? Well, that’s a lethal and potent combination.

“Again, I tell you- it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of the needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” -Matthew 19:24

The Weight of Brokenness

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I moved this past year from an on-campus dorm to an apartment. It’s nice. Nice amenities. Nice location, but somehow I look at the niceness of this place in comparison to the brokenness that is surrounding me and start to wonder a simple, yet seemingly profound question: How would this environment change if people knew the true source of love? Now, I see parties with girls going into houses and I wonder- what will they encounter there? Would I feel 100% at ease if it was my daughter going into those houses? Probably not. Paradoxically, in a search for more belonging and meaning they encounter more hurt. This, of course, is because true meaning and love can only come from knowing the source of that meaning and love. The world is full of placebos and false-promises. Just do this and you’ll be satisfied! Just try this and you’ll belong.

Friend, there is only one person in which you can achieve your full-identity and self-worth in.

His name is Jesus. The Jesus who knew you before you were born. The Jesus who still knows you inside and out. He knows you’re not perfect. He knows you’ll never be perfect. You don’t have to be. He lived the life that you and I could never had lived- all so that we could be set free from our sins and past vices.

/////:

“Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I will not be thirsty or have to come here to draw water.” Jesus said to her, “Go, call your husband, and come here.” The woman answered him, “I have no husband.” Jesus said to her, “You are right in saying, ‘I have no husband’; for you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband. What you have said is true.” The woman said to him, “Sir, I perceive that you are a prophet. Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, but you say that in Jerusalem is the place where people ought to worship.” Jesus said to her, “Woman, believe me, the hour is coming when neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem will you worship the Father. You worship what you do not know; we worship what we know, for salvation is from the Jews. But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him. God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth.” The woman said to him, “I know that Messiah is coming (he who is called Christ). When he comes, he will tell us all things.” Jesus said to her, “I who speak to you am he.””
‭‭John‬ ‭4:13-26‬ ‭ESV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/59/jhn.4.13-26.esv

Come to The River- Housefires

The Prodigal Son (Searching, But Not Quite There).

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This is the second part in a series I’m starting on my blog. I hope this insight into my walk with the LORD will prove valuable and insightful. “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8.

I remember when I first stepped foot on campus at Carolina as a student. It was last year, and as a transfer student in particular, I was thrilled to get my first taste of real college life. No more community college. Not that I hated Wake Tech at all, but I just found the social scene to be lacking. I had only been through the 10th grade in high school before medically withdrawing and earning a GED, so the very fact that I even got into Carolina was nothing short of a miracle.

I soon forgot about this miracle, however. I joined a Christian organization on campus and loved going to Bible study and the people I met there. I loved the genuine conversations I’d have with the new connections I made on campus late at night. I loved all of it. But, there was still a large part of me that hadn’t given into Jesus. I had plenty of head knowledge of God’s word from growing up in church. However, it never really sank into the depths of my heart. I would go out, meet girls, and feel a rush of excitement and optimism. I felt I belonged here. I do belong here. But, you see, the problem lies in the fact that I used other people and emotions to try and find a sense of belonging. The girls would come and go. It’d be an exhilarating rush of emotions- only to end up at the end heartbroken and wondering what I did wrong.

This was millennial life, I would sheepishly tell myself. No real commitments. Just one night stands. Swipe right. Swipe left. They’re just faces. It was all a game. She’s hot, she’s not. Slowly, I’d use this logic to devalue and place women in a bubble. It’s OK. I’m a guy. I mean, this is what everyone else is doing, right? Emotions and the other person be damned- as long as it was “fun” and consensual. It’s just sex. It’s not like it’s cocaine or heroine. After all, sex is natural, right? Sure it is. In fact, God made sex. To try and shame sex and to describe it in a way that makes it taboo does a disservice to God. The problem is this- sex was designed specifically for those in marriage. Now, this isn’t a popular opinion.

The argument against this goes something like this, “Well, if two people love each other and are in a consensual relationship, what’s wrong with expressing that love sexually?”

I won’t go into the Christian viewpoint in-depth regarding this yet, but I will say I think each one of us knows in the depths of our souls that sex isn’t merely some cavalier thing that a lot of people, particularly in my generation, treat it as.

Needless to say, I was enjoying myself at UNC, but I always felt like there had to be something more. I mean, seriously? This is it? This is what everybody raves about in college? Drinking and girls? Maybe I’m just doing it wrong. Nope. I was sick of myself. I was tired of the letdowns. The confusion. The mixed emotions. This isn’t as fun as it was all made out to be. I once heard a pastor say, “Sin gets an A for marketing and an F for results.” Yep, I had fallen for the marketing trick. The beauty, however, is there’s a key to your heart that is no gimmick or letdown. He doesn’t promise a life full of leisure or pleasure, but He does promise an unconditional and unwavering love. A love that only He can provide. He is, after all, the maker of you and me. Who would know us better than the one who created us?

Continue reading “The Prodigal Son (Searching, But Not Quite There).”