I Heard Your Voice Today

“Grief is a Mouse-

And chooses Wainscot in the Breast

For His shy House

And baffles quest-

Grief is a Thief- quick startled-

Pricks His Ear- report to hear

Of that Vast Dark

That swept His Being – back-

Grief is a juggler – boldest at the Play

Lest if He flinch- the eye that way

Pounce on His Bruises – One – say – or Three

Grief is a Gourmand – spare His luxury-

But Grief is Tongueless- before He’ll tell- Burn Him in the Public square –

His ashes- will

Possibly- if they refuse- How then know –

Since a Rack couldn’t coax a syllable- now

Let us play Yesterday-

I, the Girl at School-

You, the Eternity- the untold Tale-

Easing my famine

At my Lexicon –

Logarithm- had I- for Drink

‘Twas a dry Wine-

Somewhat different- must be-

Dreams ting the Sleep –

Cunning Reds of Morning

Make the Blind – leap-

Still at the Egg Life-

Chafing the Shell

When you troubled the Ellipse

And the Bird fell-

Manacles be dim- they say-

To the new Free-

Liberty- commoner-

Never could-to me-

“‘Twas my last gratitude

When I slept- at night-

“Twas the first Miracle

Let in- with Light-

Can the lark resume the Shell- Easier- for the Sky-

Wouldn’t Bonds hurt more

Than Yesterday?

Wouldn’t Dungeons sorer hate

On the Man- free- just long enough to taste- Then- dolmens new- God of the Manacor- As of the Free

Take Not my Liberty

Away from Me-

Alter! When the Hills do-

Falter! When the Sun

Question if His Glory Be the Perfect One-

Surfeit! When the Daffodil Both of the Dew-

Even as Herself- Sir- I will- of You.

– Emily Dickinson.

////

If you were coming in the Fall, I’d brush the summer by with half a smile, and half a spurn,

As Housewives do, a Fly.

If I could see you in a year,

I’d wind the months in balls- And put them each in separate Drawers,

For fear the numbers fuse-

If only Centuries, delayed, I’d count them on my Hand,

Subtracting, till my fingers

dropped

Into Van Dieman’s Land.

If certain, when this life was out-

That you’rs and mine should be–

I’d toss it yonder, like a Rind, and take Eternity-

But, now, uncertain of the length

Of this, that is between,

It goads me, like the Goblin bee-

That will not state-

its sting.” Dickinson, “(If you were coming in the fall)”

////

I heard your voice today. I waited seven years. It was like I remembered, but there were some notable highlights

“Call me back.” “I miss you. “I love you.” ” I miss you and my boys.

Damn you.

Every fibre of my being aches for me to be able to call you back.

I can’t even listen to all of this without sobbing.

I’m not going to listen to all of it at once.

I’ll take the tape

Rewind it

Digest it

And repeat.

I will soak in your love

Until it becomes a mantra

Oh, how you loved me. How you loved all of us. The longing in your voice rips me to shreds.

It tells me how you felt. This, I always knew. I hate you for leaving me these voicemails. I love you for leaving me these voicemails. I long for you in a place where there’s no space or time.

My bones shatter when I hear your voice

My bones are rebuilt when I hear your voice

The answering machine stops. I didn’t call you back. Why? I was a kid. I guess I always figured there’d be another tomorrow.

I loved you. I still love you. I will always love you.

Thank you for fighting as long as you did.

Thank you for not giving up until I could say goodbye.

I miss the hell out of you.

I miss the way your hand fit in mine

I miss the way you laughed

How your hair felt.

I miss all the little things that I know I can’t get back in this lifetime.

I’ll see you again

This I’m sure

I just wish it was today

But today is today

And tomorrow is tomorrow

And what’s past is past

But to hell with it all

I want you to be here

But you can’t be

But you are

So I sit in my apartment

Look out the window

See the sunrise and sunset

And wonder about your view

I bet it’s pretty great.

////

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.”

(View from my window).
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